Heir to the Pwn ((Cai/Pretty Poison))

[Cai Dorough]

On the edge of the jungle, almost perfectly camouflaged by the fringe of vegetation, stood a man, dressed all in black. He wore a dark hood and a mask concealed his features. He carried a high-powered crossbow in his hands.

“Oh, very well done,” he spoke up mockingly, his voice a pleasant baritone. “I really was hoping the beast would save me the trouble of killing the three of you. But it seems I must earn my pay after all.”

The prince, sitting feebly in the sand nearby, gasped at the sound of the voice from the shadows. Evident fear filled his eyes and voice, his hands visibly trembling. "No... Damosen..."

Cai pushed himself up to rest on his elbows. It was painful, but as far as he could move at the moment while his broken ribs still attempted to stitch together. "Heeeeyyyy, new people! I love new people. All the old ones get stale and smell like hot dog water. Shifty eyed, smelly old guys. Hey, Xena, point a finger at me and let him know I'm the captain, that should be impressive." The prince, however, could not tear his eyes away from the shadowy presence and offered no assistance.

"Interesting company you keep, My Lord," Damosen iterated, taking a confident step from the shadows. He was clad all in black, a hood pulled over his head. Cai could not see any part of his face above his lips, but they smirked with barely contained contempt. "The queen is quite beside herself with worry at your absence. She has instructed me to return you to the palace."

"Hey," Cai spoke, "us too! Job buddies!" The roar of Kong's girlfriend erupted nearby and Cai frowned. Damosen tilted his head ever so slightly, as if acknowledging the beast was approaching. "Um, could you take this one? We had the last guy and he was kind of a dear friend of mine."

"Unfortunately, your services to the crown are no longer required. Consider this your termination." Damosen pointed the crossbow at Cai. The iron bolt slammed into Cai's shoulder with intense force. The mercenary fell back into the river just as the other beast erupted onto the bank, tearing trees out of its path like grass. She was larger than her counterpart, and her fangs glistened with whatever fresh kill she had claimed on the way. However, as Cai fell into the water, he hooked his toes under the prince's arm at the last second and dragged him into the river as well. The current swept them away quickly. Mrs. Kong roared and slammed a fist down on Damosen, but the shadowy man dissipated in a literal puff of smoke.

"See you at the family reunion!" Cai called as he and the prince were rushed away downriver, headed toward a sure fall.

[Pretty Poison]

The prince, sitting feebly in the sand nearby, gasped at the sound of the voice from the shadows. Evident fear filled his eyes and voice, his hands visibly trembling. "No... Damosen..."

Cai pushed himself up to rest on his elbows. It was painful, but as far as he could move at the moment while his broken ribs still attempted to stitch together. "Heeeeyyyy, new people! I love new people. All the old ones get stale and smell like hot dog water. Shifty eyed, smelly old guys. Hey, Xena, point a finger at me and let him know I'm the captain, that should be impressive." The prince, however, could not tear his eyes away from the shadowy presence and offered no assistance.

Pretty looked the newcomer over, assessing him coolly. Although, to be honest, the crossbow caught her attention more than the man. It was a lovely toy, fitted with a pneumatic automatic loader, the bolts powerful and capable of both extreme accuracy and range. Much too nice for a matter creature to own. Her gaze flicked up from the weapon, back to the man's face. He had the eyes of a killer. She had no doubt he had ended many lives with that crossbow, and felt regret for none of them.

"Interesting company you keep, My Lord," Damosen iterated, taking a confident step from the shadows.... “The queen is quite beside herself with worry at your absence. She has instructed me to return you to the palace."

"Hey," Cai spoke, "us too! Job buddies!"

“Liar!” Xoannon shrieked at the black-garbed man, his voice suddenly a boyish falsetto, cracked with fear. “You're not here to take me back! You're here to kill me. And my mother didn't send you, it was my Cousin Charsumax! He wants my throne, and will stop at nothing to get it!”

Damosen's lips curved in a sneer under the shadow of his hood. “Oh, well done, little Prince. Perhaps you are not as ignorant of real-world politics as my Lord Charsumax assumed. Not that you will live long enough to make use of the information. As for your Lady Mother, you do not know her as well as you think... she has more fingers in more pies than you have ever dreamed.”

“So,” Pretty spoke up flatly. “You are an assassin.”

He turned towards her, and bowed. “I am not an assassin, my Lady. I am The Assassin. I am the best in the business.”

A silvery cascade of laughter tinkled from her lips, cold and mocking. “You clearly have not met my Word Mate. And for an assassin to be the best, he must complete his commission. Sadly for your reputation, you are about to fail abysmally.”

The roar of Kong's girlfriend erupted nearby and Cai frowned. Damosen tilted his head ever so slightly, as if acknowledging the beast was approaching. "Um, could you take this one? We had the last guy and he was kind of a dear friend of mine."

"Unfortunately, your services to the crown are no longer required. Consider this your termination." Damosen pointed the crossbow at Cai. The iron bolt slammed into Cai's shoulder with intense force. The mercenary fell back into the river just as the other beast erupted onto the bank, tearing trees out of its path like grass. She was larger than her counterpart, and her fangs glistened with whatever fresh kill she had claimed on the way. However, as Cai fell into the water, he hooked his toes under the prince's arm at the last second and dragged him into the river as well. The current swept them away quickly.

“That was a mistake!” Pretty hissed at the Assassin. “A very big mistake.”

Damosen swung towards her, a hail of bolts zinging through the air from the crossbow, enough firepower to rip a corporeal body to bloody shreds. Except that Pretty wasn't corporeal and her body wasn't real. Her avatar simply seemed to fade, almost to the point of invisibility, and the lethal ammunition passed right through her, embedding in the trunk of a nearby tree with a series of small thuds. Moving impossibly fast, she flickered through the air and forcibly snatched the crossbow from the Assassin's hands.

“I will take that!”

“What are you?” Damosen snarled in dismay, backing away. Caught between Pretty and the approaching migoi, his eyes were darting back and forth, trying to find a way to reclaim the situation.

“I am the last thing you will ever see!” she promised, raising the crossbow and aiming it between his eyes.

At the same moment, the female migoi reached them, howling in rage at being unable to locate her missing mate.

Mrs. Kong roared and slammed a fist down on Damosen, but the shadowy man dissipated in a literal puff of smoke.

"See you at the family reunion!" Cai called as he and the prince were rushed away downriver, headed toward a sure fall.

"Interesting,” Pretty murmured, as she watched Damosen vanish. Had he made use of some sort of device? Or was he more than he had seemed? A being with innate teleportation ability? Either way, it made the game that much more alluring. Their battle had not been averted, merely postponed. She was certain they would meet again.  There was time enough to redeem her promise.

Before the aggrieved female migoi had recovered from the surprise enough to turn on her, the Word Lady slung the newly-acquired crossbow over her shoulder, and dived cleanly into the river, swimming powerfully with the turbulent current. Given the injuries Cai had received from the female's mate, and the added inconvenience of a crossbow bolt to the shoulder, she suspected he was going to need some help surviving the oncoming waterfall.

[Cai Dorough]

Moments before Cai's vision darkened, he remembered seeing a powerful spray of water slashing up from the river as if a small speedboat were slicing through the waves toward him. The next thing he knew there was a sense of weightless and a screaming howl of wind (paired with a screaming howl of prince) before Cai awoke being dropped down on wet sand spotted occasionally with small, smooth stones. He rolled over on his side to see a frothing pit of water spread out before him, fed by a sheer cliff of falling water that rose a daunting two hundred meters up from their position. "How the flargle did we survive that?"

A whimpering groan from behind him made the mercenary roll his eyes and sigh, flopping on his back with heavy breaths. "Oh, right, you're still alive. Lovely." A dark, slim shadow passed over his face and Cai opened one eye to see Pretty standing overhead, completely dry and unscathed per usual. "Oh yeah. Giant monkey monster, giant waterfall-" More whimpering nearby felt like a knife in Cai's ears. "Giant pain in my ass. And you come out looking like some hot chick monster killer from the movies. I think my bones are mending, just need to lay here a bit more."

"Here?" The prince shrieked and scuttled over to Cai, hair sopping and water dripping pathetically down his face. He raised shaking hands and looked around frantically. "We cannot stay here, gods know where in the middle of the forest! There could be more migois about, or other stranger creatures. You must take me back to the palace, now. I-I-I... I demand you, take me back, this instant."

"Oh, okay, but I just remembered something first," Cai replied exasperatedly, "very important stuff, can't wait, for your ears only."

"Wh-what is it?"

"Lean in closer." The prince nodded and leaned in, only for Cai to chop him firmly on the back of the neck. The prince's eyes rolled back into his head instantly and the annoying brat crumpled to the sand. "Hey, Pretty, look, the forest suddenly seems so much more enjoyable now. Cool winds, calming waters-" An unknown screech sounded from somewhere off in the distance. "Welcoming local life-forms. What more could you ask for beside for not being being here at all and not dealing with this massive jerk and perhaps a signature from Betty White? Oh! My spleen is whole again. Good for you, spleen."

[Pretty Poison]

A dark, slim shadow passed over his face and Cai opened one eye to see Pretty standing overhead, completely dry and unscathed per usual. "Oh yeah. Giant monkey monster, giant waterfall-" More whimpering nearby felt like a knife in Cai's ears. "Giant pain in my ass. And you come out looking like some hot chick monster killer from the movies.”

“That is because I am a hot chick monster killer.  I saved your life, by the way.  No thanks are necessary.”

Pretty dropped to a crouch beside him. She had seen Cai heal from injuries before, but the accelerated process always fascinated her. “How long before you are functional again?” Her blue gaze flickered over towards the loudly-moaning Xoannon. “This Prince makes too much noise. If enemies are searching for us, he will hand our location to them on a silver platter.”

“I think my bones are mending, just need to lay here a bit more."

"Here?" The prince shrieked and scuttled over to Cai, hair sopping and water dripping pathetically down his face. He raised shaking hands and looked around frantically. "We cannot stay here, gods know where in the middle of the forest! There could be more migois about, or other stranger creatures. You must take me back to the palace, now. I-I-I... I demand you, take me back, this instant."

"Oh, okay, but I just remembered something first," Cai replied exasperatedly, "very important stuff, can't wait, for your ears only."

"Wh-what is it?"

"Lean in closer." The prince nodded and leaned in, only for Cai to chop him firmly on the back of the neck. The prince's eyes rolled back into his head instantly and the annoying brat crumpled to the sand.

A smile of complete approval curved Pretty's lips. “Good night, not-so-sweet Prince,” she quoted, with scornful amusement. The halfwit cretin was going to have one hell of a headache when he woke up. And quite frankly, she couldn't think of a person in the universe who deserved it more.

"Hey, Pretty, look, the forest suddenly seems so much more enjoyable now. Cool winds, calming waters-" An unknown screech sounded from somewhere off in the distance. "Welcoming local life-forms. What more could you ask for beside for not being being here at all and not dealing with this massive jerk and perhaps a signature from Betty White? Oh! My spleen is whole again. Good for you, spleen."

“The Assassin escaped. Possibly using some kind of teleportation device,” Pretty reported. “He left this behind.” She displayed the sleek black crossbow for Cai's inspection. “I thought perhaps you might like to have it.”

She poked at the unconscious Prince with the toe of her boot. “The Assassin has not given up. He claims to be one of the best. To earn that reputation, a bounty hunter must be tenacious. He will try again. What do you wish to do next, Cai? If the boy's kinsman is truly trying to murder him, perhaps he is safer in this jungle than in his own throne room, at least until the coronation takes place.”

Her unspoken thought was self-evident. After the coronation, Prince Xoannon's fate would no longer be their problem.

---

Back at the castle, dressed in silken robes and weighed down by rare and expensive jewels, Charsumax stood unobserved among the other milling and gossiping courtiers in the Great Hall of Audience, sipping a long cold glass of champagne with quiet satisfaction.

Right on cue, there was a blare of trumpets, and the huge double doors swung open, and the herald's voice rang out.

“His Royal Highness, Prince Xoannon, Heir to the Throne of Aelakoeao, Lord of the Long Marches, Guardian of the Ancestral Vaults of Erketh, Mighty Protector of the Crystalline City, Glorious Son of the Summer Solstice.”

The trumpets soared into a glorious fanfare, as a bored-looking, olive-skinned youth swept into the room, followed by his loyal entourage. He was wearing heavy, ornately-brocaded robes, his long dark hair intricately plaited and oiled. On his head, he wore a silver crown.

“A clone, my Lord?” An unexpected voice spoke low in Charsumax's ear, as the boy advanced through the bowing courtiers to take his place on the smaller throne on the dais, his expression lofty and arrogant. “A good one.Quite indistinguishable from the real thing.”

Startled, Charsumax's heart leapt into his throat. With iron self-control, he also forced himself not to turn around, but instead to bow towards the Prince, not wanting to draw attention to himself, or to the almost-invisible man concealed in the shadows nearby.

“Damosen!” he whispered furiously, his lips white.  He kept his eyes averted from the other man's hiding place, and tried to move his lips as little as possible as he spoke, in case someone was watching. “I've told you never to approach me in public. I can't afford to be seen talking to you.”

“If you stay calm and take care, you won't be,” Damosen replied. “Just act naturally.”

“Have you news for me? Is he dead?” Charsumax sipped at his wine, to all appearances as if he hadn't a care in the world. To Damosen, however, his eagerness was nearly tangible.

“I last saw him going over a waterfall, with his bodyguard, Dorough. It's unlikely either of them survived.”

“Unlikely?” Charsumax's hand clenched so tightly around the stem of his wineglass that he nearly shattered the fragile crystal. “Damn you, I must have proof. I need the ring! It is an ancient sigil, passed down from royal father to royal son. It's the only thing that can't be replicated! I need it before the coronation, that was our agreement.”

“Sadly, the price of our agreement just went up,” Damosen advised, his voice silky, but as cold as ice. “By another million credits, to be precise.”

“What?” Charsumax spluttered. “That's highway robbery! How DARE you?”

“You failed to give me full details of the mission. That woman... the one that shadows Dorough... she's like nothing I've ever seen before. If you want me to deal with her, you'll have to pay. Take it or leave it.”

“Fine, whatever, I'll pay. Just do it. Get me that ring!” Charsumax fixed an insincere smile on his face, as an elegant lady passed by and nodded to him, simpering behind her fan. “And get out of here, before someone sees you!”

Had he but known it, his last exhortation wasn't necessary. The shadows were still and empty. Damosen had already gone.

[Cai Dorough]

She poked at the unconscious Prince with the toe of her boot. “The Assassin has not given up. He claims to be one of the best. To earn that reputation, a bounty hunter must be tenacious. He will try again. What do you wish to do next, Cai? If the boy's kinsman is truly trying to murder him, perhaps he is safer in this jungle than in his own throne room, at least until the coronation takes place.”

"Next? I suppose leaving the kid in the woods and going to get some Hot Pockets would be out of the question, so for now I'm going to take a nap and let my- aaaggghhh, stupid liver. Yeah, nap sounds good." Cai took the cool crossbow from Pretty and held it like a child with a Teddy Bear. "This is cool. Think I'll have some fun with it." The mercenary closed his eyes and drifted away.

---

Cai awoke to a sprinkling sound which turned out to be the prince being awake and kicking sand into the water in frustration. The sun had changed position in the sky, so he had to have been out for more than a few hours; his organs felt mended and his legs were definitely sturdy enough to stand on. He yawned and stretched, then rose to his feet sluggishly. "Whats for breakfast? I'm super hungry."

The prince whipped around and stormed across the beach, huffing. "I should think so. Two days! You've been asleep for two whole days! How is that even possible?! I could have been killed while you napped the day away, lazing about. I've had nothing but sama root and water berries since you could not be bothered to wake up and hunt for me. I demand you find me something suitable for breakfast and then take me back to the palace! I only have six days to prepare for my coronation, my hair is a mess and I can feel all the dirt beneath my nails."

"Holy chicken fried bat droppings," Cai interrupted the prince's tantrum, "do you ever stop talking? I've never heard someone talk so much in my life. Sit down and shut up, then get back up and follow me so we can go find food."

"How dare you-"

"Ah! Sit!" Cai stared daggers at the boy until he obeyed, plopping down in the sand, defeated. Once he was down, Cai held one finger over his lips and with his other hand indicated for the prince to stand back up. "Good boy. Next time I rub your nose in it." He picked up his new toy and checked it out for the first time. It was a grand piece of weaponry, hyper tension coils and automatic reloading, a powerful tool for quick and silent kills. A bundle of spare fifteen bolts was latched to the under side, four bolts currently loaded in the springs. "Ooohhhh, this is nice. I like this. I like this a lot. Hey, where is Pretty?"

[Pretty Poison]

[Cai] picked up his new toy and checked it out for the first time. It was a grand piece of weaponry, hyper tension coils and automatic reloading, a powerful tool for quick and silent kills. A bundle of spare fifteen bolts was latched to the under side, four bolts currently loaded in the springs. "Ooohhhh, this is nice. I like this. I like this a lot. Hey, where is Pretty?"

“How am I supposed to know?” the Prince said petulantly. “I haven't seen your so-called colleague since you fell asleep on the job.”

He had hardly finished speaking when a large, hairy animal was tossed bodily into the clearing, landing close to his feet. It had a big head, mean little eyes and razor-sharp, protuberant tusks, similar to a wild boar. It was also very dead, its bristled hide liberally daubed with blood.

The Prince leapt backwards so fast that he fell comically on his butt, a long, high-pitched scream coming from his mouth. “What is it?” he howled. “Get it away from me, get it away!!!!”

There was a sound of utter exasperation, and Pretty's slender, black-clad form stepped out of thin air, with all the nonchalance of someone emerging from a door.

“It is breakfast for Cai, you pitiful little coward,” she replied contemptuously. “He always requires a large intake of sustenance after he reconstitutes his physical form. We will roast it on a fire. If you are very lucky, he may even leave some for you.”

She stalked forward a few steps, to stand before Cai. “And in answer to your query, I have been here all the time. I simply grew weary of this one's constant whining, and therefore made my avatar temporarily invisible, so I did not have to endure it any longer. Otherwise I may have killed him myself, and you would not have received your payment.”

Her crystal-blue gaze flickered sideways towards the indignant Prince, who looked as if he wanted to burst out into a further tirade of complaints, but didn't dare. “And you are correct, you would have been killed, had I not been watching over you. The female creature from above the waterfall tracked us down here. Her corpse is over there, behind those trees.” She gestured with her hand. “Along with several other predators who came here seeking a meal. This jungle is an interesting place.”

This time, she gestured towards the east. “For instance, I have done some exploring, and a short distance in that direction, there is a cave full of large purple gems. I understand such things are much prized in the matter universe, and can be traded for substantial amounts of money.”

She quirked an eyebrow at Cai and held out her hand to him. Resting on her palm was a large chunk of translucent alexandrite, renowned for its strange optical properties, and one of the most rare minerals in the known universe. In the bright sunlight, it was glowing a rich, refulgent purple.

“Like this,” she elaborated, offering the gem to Cai, ignoring Xoannon's audible gasp of greed, as unconcerned as if it was a common clump of dirt.

[Cai Dorough]

“It is breakfast for Cai, you pitiful little coward,” she replied contemptuously. “He always requires a large intake of sustenance after he reconstitutes his physical form. We will roast it on a fire. If you are very lucky, he may even leave some for you.”

"You can have an ear and a toe," Cai acknowledged, nudging the beast with his boot, contemplating the fire it would take to roast something that large. It was easily three times his size. "But don't get greedy."

This time, she gestured towards the east. “For instance, I have done some exploring, and a short distance in that direction, there is a cave full of large purple gems. I understand such things are much prized in the matter universe, and can be traded for substantial amounts of money.”

Cai was already in the middle of skinning the boar-thing, his hands and arms now covered in blood and coarse fur, but he paid it no mind as he took the crystal from Pretty and held it up to the sunlight. It gleamed with an odd pattern as the light passed through it and bent in a full away of colors.

"Well, prized all depends on exactly what I can make off it. Still, might be worth looking into sometime." Cai strolled back to the boar and used on of its long tusks to chip off a smaller piece of the violet stone, tucking it away into his belt. He then tossed the remaining hunk, a cluster about the size of half his forearm, into the river as if it were beneath his notice. "Alright, lets get some grub going."

Skinning and cleaning the animal did not take long, Cai's experienced and deft hands completing the task in a fraction of time it might have taken others. Unable to find a fallen tree the right size needed to skewer the entire beast, he settled for several smaller ones and just cut large chunks of meat from the carcass to roast over a fire pit he'd dug on the beach.

"What will we be having with the... whatever this is?" demanded the prince, hands on his hips and a look of distaste etched into his brow. "Surely you could find some salt or something to season it with, as well. As Captain of the Guard, I hereby deem it always mandatory for you to carry salt in my presence."

Cai hooked a heel around the boy's ankles and yanked them out from under him, dropping the boy with a sharp exhalation to his posterior. "You'll be having this. With a side of dirt. Seasoned with dirt. And for dessert a nice chocolate mousse, but we'll be substituting everything in it with dirt for your convenience."

The rest of the morning passed in much the same manner, the prince complaining over something new, Cai patently ignoring him or tossing hunks of uncooked meat at his head. By the time they had eaten and washed up in the river, ready to set out from the banks through the forest, Cai was itching to stick something sharp in something that screamed. "Please something attack us," he muttered under his breath, "please something attack us."

[Pretty Poison]

"Well, prized all depends on exactly what I can make off it. Still, might be worth looking into sometime."

The Prince watched, flabbergasted, as Cai nonchalantly pocketed a fragment of the gem, tossed away the rest, and calmly went back to skinning the beast.

"Alright, lets get some grub going."

“Don't you even understand what that is, you ignorant ruffian?” he screamed, unable to believe what he was seeing. “It's alexandrite!  That fragment alone would be enough to pay the wages of the entire King's Guard for five years! The value of the gem you threw away was incalculable.”

Whirling around, the boy gestured imperiously at Pretty. “I demand that you retrieve that gem from the river immediately and give it to me.”

The Word Lady ignored him and set about helpfully gathering wood for Cai's fire instead. “No,” she replied over her shoulder. “You may be King in your own land, but you do not command me. If you want the gem, you must retrieve it yourself.”

“Me!” Xoannan spluttered. “But... but you know I can't swim!”

Pretty laughed, dumping a pile of sticks in the fire pit. “Then the gem will remain with the fishes, and not with you.”

Cai was busy slicing and dicing the dead beast, preparing the meat to roast over the fire.

"What will we be having with the... whatever this is?" demanded the prince, hands on his hips and a look of distaste etched into his brow. "Surely you could find some salt or something to season it with, as well. As Captain of the Guard, I hereby deem it always mandatory for you to carry salt in my presence."

Cai hooked a heel around the boy's ankles and yanked them out from under him, dropping the boy with a sharp exhalation to his posterior. "You'll be having this. With a side of dirt. Seasoned with dirt. And for dessert a nice chocolate mousse, but we'll be substituting everything in it with dirt for your convenience."

Pretty laughed again, before vanishing, leaving Cai to enjoy his meal. Instead, she set off on her self-appointed patrol route, ranging freely through the jungle, alert for any peril. Everything seemed quiet, without even any wildlife lurking in the undergrowth. In an environment that had been teeming with life only a short time ago, the sudden stillness struck her as unnatural and ominous.

After some time, she skirted back around to the camp, only to find Cai packed and ready to leave, his exasperation showing in every line of his body. The Prince, in turn, had somehow managed to achieve an expression that was even sulkier than before, something which Pretty hadn't believed was possible until now.

She rematerialised beside Cai, winking out of thin air, as if a switch had suddenly been flicked on.

“Your sword, Furor, is where you dropped it,” she informed the mercenary calmly. “I have not touched it, as it accepts no hand but your own. But it is safe and waiting for you. I will guide you back to it, if you have need.”

[Cai Dorough]

“Your sword, Furor, is where you dropped it,” she informed the mercenary calmly. “I have not touched it, as it accepts no hand but your own. But it is safe and waiting for you. I will guide you back to it, if you have need.”

"My sword? Oh ****, my sword!" Cai dropped the tiny bone he'd been using as a toothpick, slamming his palm into his face. "Ugh, stupid Kong! Can't get a break around this place unless its my ribcage. Stupid monkey monsters, stupid assassins, stupid freaking river with its stupid waterfalls and stupid... stupidness! Geeze, this is all your fault, Xena!" He pointed an accusatory finger at the prince who flinched under the tirade. "Watch this idiot, I'll be right back." Cai stuck his tongue out at the prince like a defiant child, then activated his gauntlet and vanished, sliding into a vortex of light and sound.

---

The mercenary materialized in the forest above the falls, stepping out of the vortex nearby where his sword had fallen, still in the place where he'd dropped it. Around it were several dead animals who must have gotten too close to the blade and tried to touch it, the noetic energies of the sword burning away their minds. The shock must have killed them.

Upon further inspection Cai noticed very light footsteps in the fallen leaves and crushed grass, a secure distance around the sword but never approaching. Pretty? No, she didn't leave footprints. The assassin? Perhaps. Someone had been watching his sword, or perhaps studying the affect of the sword on the wild life around it.

"Ah, come to mama," he crooned, kicking aside the dead animals and scooping up his sword. The blade thrummed with energy upon returning to its owner, a near searing heat in his grasp. "Oh yeah, thats the good stuff." He tucked the blade away on his back, then warped back to the beach.

---

"Ahhhhh, muuuuuuuch better." Cai swooped across the beach and stopped in front of the prince, hands on his hips. "Don't worry, princess, I'm here to perform my captainly duties. Crunch the berries, get drunk on Jack, get Jack drunk on me," Cai leaned in to deliver a very audible whisper, "he thinks my tractor is sexy--- and basically just do all sorts of cool stuff to get you home. But I still don't like you. Just so you know. Okay then! Lets go check out the cave of wonders, shall we?"

[Pretty Poison]

“Geeze, this is all your fault, Xena!" He pointed an accusatory finger at the prince who flinched under the tirade. "Watch this idiot, I'll be right back." Cai stuck his tongue out at the prince like a defiant child, then activated his gauntlet and vanished, sliding into a vortex of light and sound.

“He's insane!” the Prince fumed. He whirled towards Pretty. “You do realise that, don't you? Completely and utterly insane. I am soon to be King of this realm. He can't treat me like this.”

The Word Lady leaned against a tree trunk and folded her arms. “He is keeping you alive. Is that not more valuable than the false words of your courtiers, who speak reverently to your face, and plot to kill you behind your back?”

“That... that's not the point,” the boy retorted churlishly, turning his head aside and staring out across the river.

“Is it not?” Pretty shrugged. “You have much to learn about leadership, fleshling child, if you truly wish to become a King. It is one thing to appear oblivious to the actions of those around you. That can be a good strategy, leading them to underestimate you, and from there to make crucial mistakes. To actually be oblivious, however... that will earn you nothing but a knife in the back. Cai can teach you, if only you will listen.”

Xoannon gave a contemptuous snort. “He is an insolent fool.”

“Out of your own mouth, you trumpet forth your ignorance.” Pretty's tone was cool. “Insolent, he may be. But he could not be further from a fool.”

The Prince turned his haughty gaze back towards her. “So this is what you do, is it? Travel from place to place with him, picking up paid mercenary jobs, making people's lives miserable? What kind of a life is that, for a woman?”

“I do not travel with Cai. He is what you flesh creatures term a 'lone wolf', he has no need of a companion. I merely join him from time to time, when he is undertaking an assignment that interests me.”

“And speaking of your assignment, when will we return to the palace?” The all-too-familiar whine had crept into the Prince's voice. “I need a hot bath and some clean clothes.”

Pretty pushed herself away from the tree trunk and moved impatiently towards the campfire, circling it like a restless cat. Thunder rumbled eerily in the distance. Her head tilted towards the sky. She could see a cluster of heavy clouds forming like an obsidian crown around the tall mountain peaks to the east. The air around her seemed to vibrate with electricity. “Not until we deem it is safe. Someone there wishes to see you dead. It is our task to make sure that does not happen.”

There was a sudden flare of light, and Cai reappeared on the beach, his sword now returned to the scabbard slung across his back.

"Ahhhhh, muuuuuuuch better." Cai swooped across the beach and stopped in front of the prince, hands on his hips. "Don't worry, princess, I'm here to perform my captainly duties. Crunch the berries, get drunk on Jack, get Jack drunk on me," Cai leaned in to deliver a very audible whisper, "he thinks my tractor is sexy--- and basically just do all sorts of cool stuff to get you home. But I still don't like you. Just so you know. Okay then! Lets go check out the cave of wonders, shall we?"

Xoannon's face immediately took on a stubborn, mulish expression. “I thought you said you were going to get me home?”

But Pretty ignored him, and nodded to Cai in acknowledgment. “A good plan. There is a storm coming – a big one. Best that this boy is under cover when it breaks.”

With that, she strode away into the jungle, leading the way without once troubling herself to look back, to see if Xoannon would follow.

[Cai Dorough]

It felt as if it had rained at some point whilst Cai had been unconscious, his organs regenerating. Or perhaps it was just the naturally consistent moisture in the forest. Whichever the case, the low afternoon sun was broiling the mercenary as the trio trod through the incredibly humid landscape, trudging through soft soil and picking their way between thorny vines and low hanging branches that cluttered what little bit of open space could be accessed.

Pretty, being ethereal as she was and (as Cai had discovered during their last adventure together) not particularly bound by the same laws of physics as beings of his plane of reality, moved through the forest and brambles as freely as the air itself flowing through the boughs of the towering trees. All without a sound, of course. In stark contrast, Xena, of course, stumbled and tripped over his own shadow as he struggled to follow Cai's pace. A constant stream of curses and complaints accompanied the ruckus of his passage. The mercenary had finally gotten to a point where he could tune out the prince's voice as background noise; a steady, throbbing screech in the wind, but one that blended into the natural orchestra.

"So I take it, since Xena's still alive and b******g back there," Cai began, "that our new shadowy stalker hasn't been able to find us since I've been out. Bit odd, don't you think? Skilled guy like that, sneaks up on us in the middle of the day, and no easy feat at that, but he can't follow us down a river?"

"We did- ouch, hell," Xena intoned, falling off the trunk as he tried to cross it, "flow a long way before- damn!- your lieutenant retrieved us from the river. Must we take this route? I can give you gold upon our return to the castle, just take me home!"

"Why are you still talking? Anyway, he didn't just give up. Nice easy target like you, throne up for grabs? This guy was a definite professional."

"The worst of the worst, captain. Damosen is a legend, in certain circles privy to knowing about it. The deadliest man in this kingdom or any other. A living shadow of death."

"Well that sounds like a lot of fun and all, but that doesn't answer my question. Why has he not followed us? Either he believes you dead, he's expecting you to be killed in the forest, or, more likely-"

Before Cai could finish his thought, he stopped mid-step and help up a hand to signal the others to follow suit. The wind shifted directions slightly, the mercenary tilting his head slightly like a tiger on prowl. The prince cursed again as he trod to a halt, stubbing his foot on a tree root buried beneath fallen leaves and thick grass.

"What is it?" The prince's voice quavered with instant fear.

"Nothing much," Cai answered, a smile spreading across his face. Furor slid free of its sheathe in a flash with a satisfying thrum of heat pulsing up the mercenary's arm. He looked over to Pretty and nodded once, happily. "Company. Time to blow off some steam."

[Pretty Poison]

"What is it?" The prince's voice quavered with instant fear.

"Nothing much," Cai answered, a smile spreading across his face. Furor slid free of its sheathe in a flash with a satisfying thrum of heat pulsing up the mercenary's arm. He looked over to Pretty and nodded once, happily. "Company. Time to blow off some steam."

Pretty turned her head, listening carefully. “It is not your assassin. Not yet.  It is something else. There are many. And they are small, like the offspring of your kind. But they are not children. They are...” She breathed in deeply, her nose wrinkling at the rancid scent drifting faintly on the breeze. “Alive and yet not alive.”

Even as she spoke, there was a wild, ululating cry that echoed all around them, bouncing off the heavy undergrowth, making it difficult to determine from which direction it came.

At the sound of the unearthly wail, Xoannon's face turned the colour of old porridge, and he hurried over closer to Cai, his eyes wide and staring. “What do you mean, alive and yet not alive? That doesn't even make any sense!”

Ahead of them, on the overgrown trail, there was a light plop, as something dropped from the leafy canopy above. It looked like the gnarled, withered corpse of a child, its bones bleached white, with branches and vines growing through its exposed rib cage. Its head was out of proportion on its small shoulders, adult-sized, with enlarged hollow eye sockets and a drooling mouth filled with impossibly sharp teeth. Around its neck hung a collection of shrunken and deformed skulls, blackened and vile-looking. In one hand, it was holding a long spear, twice the creature's own height, the metal tip rippling with some sort of red energy; in the other, an equally large shield, painted blue and daubed with what appeared to be smears of dried blood.

Almost instantly, there was another plop, as a second creature deftly landed on the path behind them, and then another and another, all around them, like the steady plinking of rainfall on the roof. In moments, they were surrounded by an entire tribe of the small skeletal beings.

The first one threw back its head and howled, the sound ancient and hungry, enough to raise the hairs on the back of a listener's neck, the triumphant call of a predator who has cornered his prey. One by one, the other creatures joined in, weaving their voices into an appalling chorus that was both deafening and full of horror.

“Your opinion matters very little to me,” Pretty said coolly to the gibbering Prince, her guns already forming in her hands. “But I expect it will matter even less to them.”

[Cai Dorough]

"Oh. Em. GEE. Pretty! Do you see these guys?!" Cai hopped a little in place as the miniature creatures snarled angrily, baring sharp fangs dropping with green saliva from pale lips. "Pygmies! Oh yeah, this is EXACTLY what I've been waiting for. I mean, obviously not exactly, cause for realsies, who saw this coming? But pretty good still. Do you think they live around here?"

"Wh-wh-what are you talking about, you fool? Are you insane?!" The prince was shaking visibly with terror, hiding behind Pretty. His skin was beginning to become as pale as the pygmies, his eyes wide as saucers. "I c-c-c... They're real. Oh gods, they're real."

The pygmies inched closer, jabbing the air a bit with their spears and leaping back, testing Cai and seeking a reaction or sign of fear. They yipped and snarled and howled, bouncing around as if the ground was covered in hot rocks. More dropped around the group, ten, twenty, completely encircling them with vicious claws and spears. Their intestines bouncing around in their visible rib cages was slightly disconcerting.

"The Children of the Trees," the prince whispered in shear fear. As if on cue, the pygmies leapt into action, flying through the air in a furious rain.

"Yaaaahooooooooo!" Cai bounded forth to meet their assault. Furor thrummed hungrily in his grasp, ready to drain whatever semblance of life the beasts clung to. Cai's face was a wide grin as he sliced through the first tree child, spilling not blood but dust sand. The cloud of dust blew past the mercenary as he rolled to avoid a swiping flash of razor claws, spinning a kick through the air with blinding speed to launch the attacking tree child through the air to collide with another. "Hells yes! Call Brendan Frasier, its about to get hot!"

[Pretty Poison]

It was clear from the very beginning that, since their unpleasant little assailants were already nothing more than rotten corpses, projectile weapons would have no effect on them, so Pretty lost no time in switching her guns for her long, slender, curved katana. Gleefully cleaving the air with a metallic whistling sound, she waded into battle, slicing off heads and lopping off limbs with enthusiastic abandon.

But as many as she and Cai destroyed, more came to take their place, swinging down from the tree tops.  There seemed to be no end to their numbers.

Xoannon immediately retreated up on top of a large rock, a vantage point he vigorously defended, by bringing a heavy tree branch down on any pygmy heads that dared to get too close, crumbling their skulls into dust.

Pretty was surprised to see the pampered prince defending himself, albeit clumsily, instead of whimpering in a corner. Perhaps, she reasoned, he had learned something from Cai after all. Or perhaps, it was just that desperation had at last become the father of courage.

“Give.... us.... the ring,” the pygmies howled in unison, their hollow voices swirling around the little group like a tornado, as they regrouped for a fresh assault. “The King requires the ring. Give it to usssssss....”

[Cai Dorough]

Fighting alongside Pretty was always as art. They swirled about, to and fro, swords flashing through their enemies. The speed of their blades cut the air around them with a whistle of impending death to any unfortunate enough to near them. Pretty and Cai cut through the pygmies with gleeful abandon, slaying them to dust and ruin with howls and screeches of pain. It was clear that there was a unified purpose to their efforts, swarming the mercenary and word lady to distract them long enough for others to attack the prince.

Xena, however, had other plans than to be devoured by the tide of tree children. Picking up a thick branch that fallen to the ground, the strain of which would surely have been too great for him if not for the surging adrenaline his fear had tided him, the prince climbed a large rock nearby and fended the pygmies off with wild swings that, more often than not, connected roughly with an ashen face and cast one after another into a dusty remnant.

“Give.... us.... the ring,” the pygmies howled in unison, their hollow voices swirling around the little group like a tornado, as they regrouped for a fresh assault. “The King requires the ring. Give it to usssssss....”

"Uh, they must be talking to you, Pretty," Cai shrugged, slicing a low arc that shred three pygmies simultaneously. Another tree child leapt through the dust and bit into Cai's shoulder, taking free a large chunk of flesh. With his free hand, Cai whipped Ice out and blasted a hole into the back of it's head, continuing his line of fire on another that was preparing to drop on Xena. "I never really liked it enough to put it a ring on it."

"The ring..." They continued chanting in unison, the same dulcet tone echoing from every mouth at once. "The ring... The ring..."

Screaming in overwhelming fear, the prince threw down his branch and ripped a ring from his finger. "Take it, take it! Leave me be and take this retched thing to your king!" He threw the ring on the ground, shaking visibly.

Cai cursed under his breath and somersaulted over Pretty's head as four of the tree children rushed the prince, fangs bared and ready to sink into his flesh. The mercenary cut two in mid-air as he flipped upside down, landed nimbly on the rock next to the prince and in lightning strikes he cut the on-rushers. One of the pygmies had already grabbed the ring, however, and was leaping through the air toward the trees over their heads to flee. It caught a bullet in the head and the ring dropped in a cloud of ashen dust back into Xena's lap as he quivered on the stone.

"Pick it up."

The prince looked up at Cai, eyes bulging. "B-b-but they-"

"Pick it up," he answered calmly. "Put it back on your hand. Get up now, and fight. If you don't, they will eat you, and I will let them."

The Children of the Trees circled around them and Pretty, gathering their numbers, preparing to make another push. "The ring... Give us... The Ring... The Ring..."

Cai pulled Fire from its holster and dropped in the prince's lap, next to the ring. "Make your choice."