Heir to the Pwn ((Cai/Pretty Poison))

[Cai Dorough]

With Poison piloting, the ride was to a penny in a jar being rattled by an angry child. Not having secured himself to the seat at all, Cai bounced from his spot and hit the ceiling before falling back to the floor as they left the atmosphere of the current planet. He rolled toward the back of the ship, crashing into his crates full of money with an oompf. Thankfully, the ride was not a long one as they entered hyperspace for a short jump and returned to normal time in the orbit of their objective.

"Wow," he sighed, pulling himself back to toward the front as the ship slowed to an orbital observation. "You're really bad at that. Take lessons from my ship, did ya?" Plopping down in the co-pilot seat once more, he cracked his neck and rolled his shoulders. "This Avacado? Looks... Green. We got landing codes or you wanna just fly in and see what happens? Maybe Prince Zero is waiting to meet us already. I hope they have tacos."

He propped his feat back on the console for only a second before pulling them back with a blank stare at Poison as he pulled the harness over his head and fastened himself to the chair. Once he was secured and ready to enter the descent, he gave the Word Lady the go. "Alright Jeeves, take us in. And fly by the Bell, its chimichanga time!"

[Pretty Poison]

The rush Pretty got from piloting the ship out of the atmosphere of Mephistopheles at maximum velocity was very satisfying. Nothing pleased her more than finding something new and exciting to do, some novel toy to play with.

Sadly for Cai, her newly-acquired knowledge of the theory of flying was not backed up by the slightest fragment of practical ability. But Pretty was a great believer in learning through experience - and what she lacked in skill, she more than made up for in enthusiasm.

Whooping with delight, she managed several barrel rolls and a spiralling loop-the-loop across the stars, before slamming the vessel violently into hyperdrive, with a wild grin at her companion. She could tell Cai was having as much fun as she was, because he was bouncing all around the interior of the ship. She did, however, notice that his hat had fallen off, which she thought was a bit of a shame, because it had suited him.

Fortunately, since she had no real idea where they were supposed to be heading, the previous pilot had programmed the navigational computer with their destination coordinates, and they popped out of hyperspace almost right on top of what she assumed was their target planet.

"Wow," [Cai] sighed, pulling himself back to toward the front as the ship slowed to an orbital observation. "You're really bad at that. Take lessons from my ship, did ya?"

“It is never any fun being good!” she quipped back, her eyes still glowing with elation.

Plopping down in the co-pilot seat once more, he cracked his neck and rolled his shoulders. "This Avacado? Looks... Green. We got landing codes or you wanna just fly in and see what happens? Maybe Prince Zero is waiting to meet us already. I hope they have tacos."

"Landing codes?” she echoed, puzzled. “No, I have no landing codes.” She clicked her tongue in mock disapproval. “That other pilot was in such a hurry to leave, he must have forgotten to pass them on. Never mind, I'm sure I can manage.”

Her hand trailed over to the thruster controls again, an expression of gleeful anticipation passing over her face.

He propped his feat back on the console for only a second before pulling them back with a blank stare at Poison as he pulled the harness over his head and fastened himself to the chair. Once he was secured and ready to enter the descent, he gave the Word Lady the go. "Alright Jeeves, take us in. And fly by the Bell, its chimichanga time!"

Pretty brought them in hard and fast, catapulting them through the outer atmosphere of the planet. The comm-system on the console began chattering with various warnings almost immediately, advising them they were entering the restricted airspace of the Royal Principality of Aelakoeao and demanding them to identify themselves. The Word Lady simply ignored all the white noise, reasoning that Cai could answer the annoying voices if he felt like it.

Instead, she sent the ship into a tailspin, plummeting downwards at an incredible rate. She was vaguely aware of a bunch of other ships coming into view on the radar screen, converging on their position, as the defence systems of Aelakoeao reacted to their unauthorised intrusion. There were more sharply-voiced admonitions over the comm-unit, followed by some warning shots, a tracery of laser fire that lit up the darkness of space. But the Aelakoeaon weapons systems were no match for the crazily erratic flight-path of the state-of-the-art hypershuttle and not a single shot touched them.

Finally, they cleared the atmosphere and were hurtling towards the surface of the planet. Below, she could see the ancient city that Chandler Zeus had displayed on his holovid. Pulling out of the spin at the last moment, she sent the ship screaming towards it, flying low and buzzing the buildings that passed beneath them with a sonic boom.

The palace at the centre of the city was coming up fast - too fast. As they approached, Pretty could see a clear space out the front of the castle-like structure. It looked like an enormous stone courtyard, bisected by a long, vast, ornamental pool; a calm, still oblong of water, reflecting the clouds above.

She slammed the reverse thrusters into place and applied the brakes, rolling the ship several times in the process. They hit the pool at speed, skimming along the surface and sluicing great tidal waves of water in their wake, before finally wrenching to a screeching, spectacular halt.

Slowly, with a beatific smile, the wrecked shuttle creaking and groaning all around them, Pretty looked up at Cai, where he hung in his harness from what was now the ceiling, since apparently they had arrived upside down.

“Duck soup,” she said happily. “Nuts. Easy as pie.”

[Cai Dorough]

"Thats it," Cai said as he hung upside down by the seat harness, "next time, I drive." He pulled his dagger and cut the fastener, dropping to the ceiling (now the floor) and using his free hand to brace his fall and flip himself over. His feet touched down and he swung himself up into a low crouch. The back of the ship was filled with water as it seemed they had landed in a garden pool of some sort. "Great, we're a space age Titanic. Good thing those crates are water-sealed."

"Hail, you in there, come out!" Someone outside the ship was calling to them, a deep voice filled with authority and command. "You have entered the realm of Prince Xoannon, in Sati Z'Mule. Reveal yourselves immediately or be destroyed!"

"Check it out, Pretty, we've got an audience!" Cai gabbed the handle and shoved roughly at the door, but it would not budge. The crash had seemed to jar the metal and crumple it together. "Ahhh, come on! Our adoring fans shall wait for no one!"

"Bring out the ballistae!" The same voice from outside called to others, probably annoyed that no one had showed their faces.

Cai shoved again at the door which budged open slightly. It was not a lot, but enough for him to slide through sideways and out into the water. "Allllrighty then, who's got their big boy armor on today, eh?" Cai grabbed the top of the door and pushed himself up onto the ship to take a seat, legs dangling off the side. "Come on now, don't be shy."

"You, there, you have entered Sati Z'Mule in your ship un-beckoned. Do you deny your crime, or shall we lay judgement upon you today?" The man asking the question stood at the edge of the pool in burnished armor, holding a large spear. He was tall and barrel chested, holding himself with long years of experience under command.

Cai shot the man right through the eye, the body standing for a few moments before falling backward with a thud. "Wrong answer, Chachi! Now, one of you kiddies run along now and bring the prince. We're here to take him to the dance!"

[Pretty Poison]

"Thats it," Cai said as he hung upside down by the seat harness, "next time, I drive." He pulled his dagger and cut the fastener, dropping to the ceiling (now the floor) and using his free hand to brace his fall and flip himself over. His feet touched down and he swung himself up into a low crouch. The back of the ship was filled with water as it seemed they had landed in a garden pool of some sort. "Great, we're a space age Titanic. Good thing those crates are water-sealed."

Pretty wasn't really paying much attention to what Cai was saying. She was too busy splashing around in the knee-deep water, like a kid at the beach.

“I got you here in one piece, did I not?” she asked, spattering him playfully with a scooped palmful of water. “What more did you require?”

"Hail, you in there, come out!" Someone outside the ship was calling to them, a deep voice filled with authority and command. "You have entered the realm of Prince Xoannon, in Sati Z'Mule. Reveal yourselves immediately or be destroyed!"

In her usual mercurial fashion, Pretty had already forgotten why they were there. Her enjoyment of flying the shuttle had driven their mission right out of her head. But the demanding shout from outside soon reminded her that Cai had been hired to do a job on this planet. She frowned slightly. The tone the man outside was using made her think of the blue men on Earth, who were always trying to spoil her fun and telling her to put her hands up. She really didn't like those blue men.

"Check it out, Pretty, we've got an audience!" Cai gabbed the handle and shoved roughly at the door, but it would not budge. The crash had seemed to jar the metal and crumple it together. "Ahhh, come on! Our adoring fans shall wait for no one!"

"Bring out the ballistae!" The same voice from outside called to others, probably annoyed that no one had showed their faces.

Cai shoved again at the door which budged open slightly. It was not a lot, but enough for him to slide through sideways and out into the water.

Pretty shrugged and followed him. However, instead of slipping through the crack he had opened up in the door, she merely kicked the whole thing down, with a powerful thrust of her high-heeled black boot. The door ripped open with a shriek of tortured metal, and she waded out into the bright sunlight. Cai was already seated above her, having apparently pulled himself up on top of the crashed ship. Curiously, Pretty looked around. She was still new enough to the physical universe to be fascinated by every new world she came across. Matter creatures were endless in their variety - different shapes and sizes and colours, different cultures and environments and attitudes. It was a refreshing change from the stagnant sameness of the Hand of All.

Disappointingly, judging by the large crowd that had gathered on the plaza, grouped around the ornamental pool, the inhabitants of Aelakoeao were basically humanoid in appearance. From the awed and horrified expressions on their faces as they stared at the wrecked ship, they were also lacking a sense of humour. Pretty didn't let it bother her. Instead, she smiled and waved, like a movie star arriving at an awards ceremony.

That was, of course, until the big, armoured warrior tried to steal the limelight and Cai shot him through the eye. Pretty watched the man fall without batting an eyelid, with an approbative nod towards Cai. Sometimes he reminded her very much of her Word Mate, Nobody No-one. The two men both shared an innate ability to make a very impressive entrance, something she approved of greatly.

As the corpse toppled forward into the water, a desolate wail went up from the crowd, as they shrank back in fear. “The Champion! The King's Champion has been slain!”

Ignoring the people who were screaming and running, Pretty watched in interest as the water swirling around the body began to lace through with scarlet, as the warm blood pumped steadily from the hole where the man's eye had been, just seconds before.

"Now, one of you kiddies run along now and bring the prince. We're here to take him to the dance!"

Almost before Cai had completed the sentence, there was a sound of marching feet, and several platoons of guards marched on to the plaza. Pretty glanced up and couldn't help noticing that they were armed to the teeth with laser weapons, all of which were now pointed directly at her and Cai.

A small man with long, braided, greying hair stepped forward. He had the features of a nervous rat, his appearance not enhanced by his over-large front teeth. However, he was wearing rich, brocaded robes and his expression was unfailingly arrogant.

“You are Cai Dorough, the mercenary sent by the Prince's honoured godfather, the esteemed Chandler Zeus?” the man inquired disdainfully, his eyes dwelling on the insignia of Zeus Industries emblazoned on the side of the crashed shuttle. His voice was confident as he faced Cai, but Pretty guessed that had more to do with the large number of troops at his back, rather than any personal courage. “I am Chancellor Uxori. His Royal Highness, Prince Xoannon, is not a peasant, to be summoned at your command. You and your female companion will follow me to the royal audience chamber, where you will answer for your wilful murder of the King's Champion.”

[Cai Dorough]

“You are Cai Dorough, the mercenary sent by the Prince's honoured godfather, the esteemed Chandler Zeus?” the man inquired disdainfully, his eyes dwelling on the insignia of Zeus Industries emblazoned on the side of the crashed shuttle. His voice was confident as he faced Cai, but Pretty guessed that had more to do with the large number of troops at his back, rather than any personal courage. “I am Chancellor Uxori. His Royal Highness, Prince Xoannon, is not a peasant, to be summoned at your command. You and your female companion will follow me to the royal audience chamber, where you will answer for your wilful murder of the King's Champion.”

Cai quirked an eyebrow and hopped down to the water, splashing it a bit. "Whatever bro. You know, if this was Highlander, I'd be increasing my power right now. Kill the other dude, only once can survive, grass is always greener, you know the old line." He tucked his pistol back into its holster and made his way toward the edge of the pond, forcefully kicking water with every step in a very mocking fashion.

"Is Xena gonna feed us? Cause we hongry. Well, I'm hungry, she's just gonna sit there and repeatedly stab things while I eat, but whats dinner without a bit of entertainment, am I right? You guys ever seen that movie where the dude gets the thing and loses it cause he wanted to see that other thing and then stuff gets crazy? Yeah me either." He stepped out of the water and stood tall in front of Uxori. He was a full head and shoulders shorter than Uxori but by the way the guards tensed as he approached, they knew full well where to place their caution.

"You're kinda shiny, look at all your metaly parts! I can practically see myself in them! Damn I look good. Oh, look at this, a smudge. Well, we can't have that, let me just help you out here buddy..." Cai breathed on the metal breastplate and began rubbing it with his palm.

Uxori, indignant and confused, shoved Cai's hand away and barked at his men. "Get back, you fool! Seize them, now!"

"Oh my word! Not even offering me dinner! How rude!" Guards slapped manacles on Cai's wrists and wrenched him forward, following Uxori. Cai followed along, skipping and whistling. "I've got a love-a-ly bunch of coconuts, do-do-do-doo-doo!"

[Pretty Poison]

Pretty wasn't a big fan of manacles. In fact, they annoyed her. So when the guards slapped some heavy iron cuffs on her wrists, she merely reverted her arms to her natural, incorporeal form, her flesh running liquid with golden words, up to her elbows. Then, with an irritable flick, she flung the manacles away, the metal passing through her insubstantial wrists without trace. Like an oversized set of bolas, they spun through the air too swiftly for the naked eye to follow, before smashing into the face of one of the nearby guards and knocking him over backwards. He was very obviously dead, blood pouring from his ruined face and spreading in a scarlet pool beneath him.

The crowd gasped and the remaining guards took a nervous step backwards from Pretty, their eyes fixed on her glowing arms, as her body rapidly reformed into her usual appearance. Without paying them any attention at all, she strode off unescorted in the direction Cai had been taken. After that, the guards seemed none too keen to go anywhere near her, and they kept their distance, following along behind her. But at least there was no more nonsense about trying to shackle her.

By flesh-creature standards, the castle they were led into was ancient. The front of the building had been beautifully and expertly constructed from stone, a graceful and harmonious composition of ramparts and balconies, coigns and battlements. The back, however, appeared to have been hewn directly out of the gutrock of the mountain. It was impossible to determine how far back it actually went. Pretty guessed that it had once been a stronghold, large enough to shelter and protect the inhabitants of the surrounding city when they were under attack. With a Word Lord's usual love of stories, she couldn't help wondering who their traditional enemy had been and what had happened to them.

Up ahead, Cai was being marched through a pair of enormous, time-burnished double doors, into some sort of audience hall. People in long rich robes, most of them with elaborate and intricate hairstyles, were milling around the vast room, chatting in hushed voices. Some of them were sipping wine from long-stemmed crystal goblets or nibbling on sugared comfits on chased silver plates. It was all very civilised and elegant. Pretty hated it already.

The people nearest them turned to stare, drawing back in disdain as the small entourage passed by, as if they were worried about being contaminated. In this manner, a path was cleared for them, leading directly to the raised dais at the end of the room, where a bored, petulant-looking youth was sitting on an ornately-carved golden chair. Pretty recognised him immediately as the prince Cai had been sent to protect. To the boy's right, further back on the dais, was a huge stone throne with a silken canopy, as black as night. The Word Lady knew enough of flesh-creature customs to guess that this was the throne of the King, which Prince Xoannon could not occupy until he had been formally crowned. The black canopy would be a symbol of mourning for his father, the recently deceased King.

Pretty looked back over her shoulder at the whispering, shifting crowd. It was fairly plain that these idiots had little or no idea about security. There were guards placed at strategic points around the walls. But if there was an assassin concealed here in this gathering of simpering fops, it would be a simple matter for him to fire a killing shot before anyone could stop it happening. If this was the best they could do to protect their prince, it was no wonder they needed some outside help.

“Kneel!” Uxori announced in sonorous, ringing tones. “Kneel to Prince Xoannon, Heir to the Throne of Aelakoeao, Lord of the Long Marches, Guardian of the Ancestral Vaults of Erketh, Mighty Protector of the Crystalline City, Glorious Son of the Summer Solstice.”

Everybody in the room obediently fell to their knees in respectful supplication.

Of course, it never even occurred to Pretty that she would be expected to kneel too. A Word Lord would never kneel to a flesh creature. That would be simply ridiculous.

Instead, she raised one eyebrow and watched as the guards tried to make Cai kneel before the throne. This should be interesting, she reflected. The mercenary had never struck her as the kneeling type either, and she wondered what he would do.

[Cai Dorough]

The clasps around Cai's wrists were not as strong as those used on Earth and the mercenary could feel how simple it would be to break them. He did not bother to fight against them being put on him and followed along as the guards led him into the palace and through a crowded room. The reception hall was long and being walked up to the dais at the end was like strolling through a parade. All eyes turned to him and Pretty as their escort brought them to show. Several of the men and women cringed as they met Cai's eyes and shied away slightly. Cai never stopped talking the entire way up the hall.

"Do you guys do parties here? I bet you could fit in a lot of clowns and strippers. Though I don't know where you'd put the poles. Ever brought in a clown stripper? Instead of glitter you just get covered in white makeup and the shameful regret of children? I hate clowns. Not one of them ever brought me tacos. You know tacos? Hey, you there, with the face, you like tacos? Tacos are delicious. I wanted to get some on the way in but I think we took a wrong turn somewhere."

"Silence!" demanded Uxori, scowling at the mercenary.

"But if I was silent I could not regale you all with my fantastic tales of heroic chivalry and gallantly valorous deeds! After all, thats why I'm here, you know? I'm there hero in this story. You guys are just the drones. Like Storm Troopers, but with crappier armor and less Hilary Clinton fantasies. Or maybe not, I'm not here to judge. Did you guys see that last debate? Hilarious!"

"I said be silent, fool! Enough of your inane prattle." Uxori slapped Cai across the face as he brought them in front of a young man on an ornate chair who watched the whole procession with a bored stare. “Kneel!” Uxori announced in sonorous, ringing tones. “Kneel to Prince Xoannon, Heir to the Throne of Aelakoeao, Lord of the Long Marches, Guardian of the Ancestral Vaults of Erketh, Mighty Protector of the Crystalline City, Glorious Son of the Summer Solstice.”

"Yeah, I'm not gonna do that, chump. Lets just say I did and it'll be easier on everyone." Cai could almost feel Uxori's face flush with anger as the man raised a hand to slap him again. "I'm gonna warn you once, and only once. Do that again and I'll rip that arm off, you'll be able to spank Prince Xena across the room."

"Fool, you dare speak so of the Prince?" Uxori pulled back his fist to strike Cai.

Cai felt the air shift behind him as one of the other guards moved behind him to try and grab his arms. Like a shot from a gun, Cai snapped the bindings on his wrists and ducked, reaching up to grab the guard's arm and sling him over his shoulder to slam into Uxori. He lashed out with a powerful kick and took another guard in the face. One of the guard's to his left tried to punch him but was too slow. Cai countered the strike, bending the man's wrist down and planting a strong knee in his stomach. The man doubled over and Cai struck him in the temple, causing him to collapse instantly. He continued to plant an elbow in another man's neck and spun another kick into his head to snap his neck around. Uxori had gotten back to his feet and slashed out at him with his sword. Cai bent straight over backwards and the sword passed over him, close enough that Cai could smell the steel. Righting himself the mercenary planted six punches into the man's sternum, grabbed the last guard and threw him to the floor as he tried to tackle him, and stomped firmly with his heel into the downed guard's face. Blood spurted across the floor beneath his boot. Uxori howled and charged at him again, slicing wildly with his sword. Cai easily dodged each swipe and on the fourth strike he caught Uxori's wrist with one hand. Giving the man a smirk he slammed his forehead into Uxori's face. The man reeled back, losing his grip on his sword. Cai ripped the blade free of the man's grasp and dropped to swipe his legs out. Cai deftly switched the pommel around and gripped it, ready to stab Uxoir through the heart.

Clapping and laughter from a single voice cut the air. Cai halted his downward thrust only an inch about Uxori's chest. He looked back to note that another two guards were downed at Pretty's feet though she did not appear to have moved an inch.

"Excellent," Prince Xoannon laughed from his seat on the dais, "most excellent. Five men in less than half a minute, most impressive indeed." Xoannon's accent was clipped and ecstatic. He looked at Cai with utter glee. "You are quite the warrior, sir. I must applaud your efforts this day. I dare say that you, and your lovely friend here, shall never be beckoned to kneel in this kingdom again!" He laughed some more and Cai tossed the sword on the ground, arching an eyebrow.

"Yeah yeah, no kneeling, thats all good. But seriously bro, where are the tacos?"

[Pretty Poison]

Unsurprised when Cai started to fight, Pretty stood back with her arms folded and didn't move. This was his party and she didn't want to ruin his fun. She had known him long enough to be confident that the guards surrounding him would be no match for him. And it was always a pleasure to watch him in action, every movement precise and lethal, like a dance.

Nonetheless, as always, she had his back. The two guards nearest her drew their weapons and prepared to wade into the battle, evidently planning to attack the mercenary from behind. Without missing a beat, so swiftly that she hardly seemed to move at all, she casually reached out and broke both their necks, her slender fingers as strong and as ruthless as steel. Eyes dull and rheumed with death, their lifeless bodies crumpled at her feet in an undignified tangle of limbs. Returning to her previous motionless stance, she raised her impassive, ice-blue gaze to the dais where the young prince sat, wondering how many men he was prepared to waste in this ridiculous fashion.

In the end, Cai forced the issue, ending the battle by expertly disarming Chancellor Uxori and putting a blade to his chest.

"Excellent," Prince Xoannon laughed from his seat on the dais, "most excellent. Five men in less than half a minute, most impressive indeed." Xoannon's accent was clipped and ecstatic. He looked at Cai with utter glee. "You are quite the warrior, sir. I must applaud your efforts this day. I dare say that you, and your lovely friend here, shall never be beckoned to kneel in this kingdom again!" He laughed some more and Cai tossed the sword on the ground, arching an eyebrow.

"Yeah yeah, no kneeling, thats all good. But seriously bro, where are the tacos?"

The prince seemed to be supremely unaware of the danger he was in. There was no-one left standing between him and Cai. If the mercenary had wanted him dead, he wouldn't have had a chance in hell. And yet he behaved as if the entire fight had been nothing but a trivial show, put on for his entertainment. Pretty watched him as he nibbled on some sugared grapes and sipped at his wine, so very arrogant and complacent, and she found herself frowning at the idea of exerting herself to keep such a fool alive. She already considered most matter creatures a total waste of space, and this one was no exception.

However, Cai had asked her to come here, and he was one of the few fleshlings she didn't hold in contempt. She understood that he would get paid for this job, just as her own Wordmate was paid for his bounty-hunting assignments. Which was probably the only reason she didn't put a bullet through Xoannon's effeminate skull right here and now.

“You are fortunate we are not your enemy,” she spoke up for the first time, her voice cold, like ice and silver. “Or you would be dead. Who is in charge of your security here?”

Xoannon gave her a patronising glance, his expression one of a man indulging the whims of a lovely but empty-headed woman. “Why, Chancellor Uxori, of course. He has held the position of Captain of the King's Guard ever since I was a small child. And he has never failed to keep me safe.”

Pretty's eyes returned to the humiliated man lying on the floor at Cai's feet, beaten and quivering with impotent rage.

“We have been sent here to upgrade your security,” she replied.

Barely a second later, there was a deafening report, and a small hole, round and blackened, appeared between the Chancellor's eyes. Like magic, the gun had appeared in Pretty's hand from thin air, black and evil-looking, summoned directly from her CORDIS. Uxori's body twitched grotesquely once or twice, before it finally caught up to the fact that it was dead, and then went limp and still.  Scarlet blood slowly seeped from the hole in the dead man's head, dripping down through his hair to the floor.

“Consider that the first step.”

[Cai Dorough]

The bullet slamming into Uxori's prone form caught Cai by a bit of surprise, but he did not let it show. He could sense Pretty's contempt for the people of the court and the Prince as well. He'd brought her along because he knew from the beginning that this was to be a boring assignment and she would provide him company to deal with it until the inauguration and Xena was out of his hair. Once the prince took the throne, Zeus could provide his own support for the hapless prince without weakening the Prince's claim. Until then, Cai was the only thing standing between Xena and a blade between the shoulders. Until then, Pretty's company was the only thing standing between Cai getting bored and doing it himself.

Cai whistled a long note as he observed the hole in the former captain's forehead, square in the center. The mercenary nodded in appreciation and looked back at Pretty, giving her a thumb up. "Nice shot. Next time I go to the state fair, you're coming with and winning me a teddy bear."

Prince Xoannon seemed completely unaffected by Uxori's death, watching the entire scenario unfold like a child in front of a television. However, the other guards did not seem so relaxed about Cai dispatching the escort and Pretty executing their commanding officer. A platoon of guards in burnished armor rushed in and placed themselves between the mercenary and the prince, lowering spears and swords in the direction of Cai and Pretty. One with a red sunburst over his left lapel stepped forward and glared at Cai. "Stand down or be cut down!"

"Guards, guards, at ease men." Prince Xoannon chuckled as he finished off his wine and tossed the goblet over his shoulder. A liveried servant rushed forward and snatched the cup from the air, backing away in a bow even though she could not be seen. "Stand down." The prince stepped down from the dais and pushed the guards aside to make his way to stand in front of Cai.

The ranking officer tensed. "Sire, please, you can not trust this man. Allow me-"

"Silence, Yurick," Xoannon demanded, still with a smile. "I think I just found my new Captain."

"But sire! I insist-"

"Do you dare question me!?" Xoannon turned on Yurick and gave him a petulant stare. Yurick looked down at the prince with barely concealed contempt and patience, but Cai saw the fury pass behind his eyes. Yurick just nodded and bowed, taking a step back. "Good. Sir Cai, I hereby appoint you to Captain of the King's Guard."

"Captain, eh?" Cai smiled, holding his chin as he rolled the thought around in his head. "I like it. First thing first." Cai's smiled faded and he stared at Yurick, promising death. "Someone had better get my sword now or I'm going to make you wear your appendix like a hat."

[Pretty Poison]

Pretty nodded in approval as the Prince summarily appointed Cai to take the place of the man she had just killed. Now maybe they would get somewhere. Her friend wasn't particularly gifted when it came to diplomacy or courtly obeisance, but when it came to predicting the moves of an assassin, there were few matter creatures more skilled. With Uxori in charge of security, she strongly suspected Xoannon would have been dead in a matter of hours.

“Yurick, you will return Sir Cai's sword to him immediately,” the Prince ordered, giving an indifferent wave of his hand.

The soldier looked as if he was about to explode in sheer fury. The look he shot Cai was one of black hatred. Nevertheless, he did as he was told, bending to retrieve the mercenary's sword from the ground and extending it to him, hilt first. The stiffness of the movement spoke volumes. It was more than clear that he would prefer to run Cai through with the weapon than return it to him. But he didn't dare disobey the Prince's direct instruction.

“There, that wasn't so hard, now was it?” Xoannon commented, with a languid sneer. He turned back to Cai. “Since all the tedious matters of state appear to have been attended to, perhaps you and your lovely companion would care to join me in a light repast, Sir Cai?”

The words were framed as a request, but the tone in which they were delivered left no doubt that this was a royal command. The Prince's gaze flickered over to Pretty, giving her a slightly disapproving look as he took in her gleaming black leathers.

“A shame she is not attired appropriately for my court.” He gestured around at the other women in the room, who were all simpering and preening in sumptuous gowns of silk and satin. “But no matter. I'm sure we will soon rectify that.”

Pretty raised one slender, scornful eyebrow. Moving unhurriedly, she snapped her fingers, calling on the matter translation powers of her CORDIS. Immediately, her avatar began to change, her clothing morphing and running like liquid, until she was standing before them in a magnificent gown of emerald velvet that clung to her curves like a second skin. All the other women gasped, a murmur of shock and awe running around the room. The Prince did his best to remain impassive, as befitted his exalted station, but his eyes nearly fell out of his head.

A small, mocking smile of amusement tilted her lips. “I am Pretty Poison,” she announced haughtily. “I am a Word Lady from the Hand of All. And I do not require sustenance. I do not consume your unappealing matter food. My friend Cai, however, is always hungry and, I am sure, would appreciate your offer.”

[Cai Dorough]

“A shame she is not attired appropriately for my court.” He gestured around at the other women in the room, who were all simpering and preening in sumptuous gowns of silk and satin. “But no matter. I'm sure we will soon rectify that.”

Cai craned his neck to the side, wincing. "Something is gonna be up your rectum, bub, but it ain't gonna be no dress."

A small, mocking smile of amusement tilted her lips. “I am Pretty Poison,” she announced haughtily. “I am a Word Lady from the Hand of All. And I do not require sustenance. I do not consume your unappealing matter food. My friend Cai, however, is always hungry and, I am sure, would appreciate your offer.”

"Yeah he would! Especially if you got tacos!" Yurick stood still holding his sword out to him. He cleared his throat and Cai arced an eyebrow at him. The man was lucky enough to be holding the sword by its sheathe and not its hilt as Furor's noetic energies would incinerate the man's mind in seconds. It was very particular and did not like being wielded by others than Cai. The mercenary took the sword from the man with a wink. "Good boy. Now, take some men and get my ship out of the pool. Be gentle, she's sensitive."

Yurick glared daggers at Cai for a few moments before grudgingly saluting by lifting a closed fist to his heart and waving for the rest of the guards to follow him. They marched away in clinking armor and fuming attitudes, but they listened. At least for now.

"Alright your royal pain-in-the-ass-ness," Cai said, swinging his sword around and shoving it into the strap on his back, "lets get some grub in this hub, yeah? Talk shop. Also, uniforms. Now, I'm not saying I should be in like, silk and gold or whatever, but I definitely like badges. And hats. And, you know, ferris wheels and stuff. Where did we land on those tacos? Come on Pretty, lets go find some pots to shoot or something. You too, prince, don't make me drag you."

[Pretty Poison]

Pretty watched as the guards marched away, wondering how many of them were truly loyal to this spoilt, pampered prince, and how many would love to see him squirming in agony on the ground with a sword stuck through his belly. Matter creatures had very little idea of loyalty, she had found. The smallest hint of financial gain, the slightest promise of social advancement, and they bent like grass in the wind.

"Alright your royal pain-in-the-ass-ness," Cai said, swinging his sword around and shoving it into the strap on his back, "lets get some grub in this hub, yeah? Talk shop. Also, uniforms. Now, I'm not saying I should be in like, silk and gold or whatever, but I definitely like badges. And hats. And, you know, ferris wheels and stuff.”

The Word Lady gave Xoannon a cool look and swept forward to take Cai's arm, allowing him to escort her, as the small group prepared to move. If the little Princeling wanted formality, that's what he would get. Pretty could out-haughty anyone.

“Cai definitely needs a hat,” she agreed loftily. “He looks good in hats.”

“Where did we land on those tacos? Come on Pretty, lets go find some pots to shoot or something. You too, prince, don't make me drag you."

A ripple of shock and horror ran around the room at Cai's disrespectful address to the Prince. There was a moment of frozen silence as Xoannon frowned. Then his petulant face lightened into a tolerant smile. “You amuse me, Sir Cai. Such wit. Such bonhomie. I find it very refreshing. You and Lady Poison will sit at the High Table with me.”

This last comment was given condescendingly, as if he was granting them a great honour, for which they should be eternally grateful. Pretty didn't feel particularly grateful. Cai's idea of shooting something would be much more fun. So much more enjoyable than sitting around watching everyone eat. As far as Pretty was concerned, eating was one of the more disgusting habits of the creatures of this dimension, as well as an enormous waste of time.

Nevertheless, it seemed she would have to put up with it, because the Prince swept his entourage inexorably towards a vast banqueting hall, encircled with carved and highly-polished wooden tables. Pretty and Cai were led up some stairs to the top of a tall dais, which overlooked the room, and were ceremoniously seated one on each side of the Prince. To the Word Lady's amusement, this preferential treatment immediately earned them some more enemies, as the nobles of the court had to move down to accommodate them. A couple of them were forced to leave the High Table altogether and to resume their seats on the lower tier. They didn't look at all happy.

Pretty leaned back in her chair and surveyed the room, taking it all in. Tapping her fingers on the ornately-carved arms in boredom, she observed idly as a procession of servants entered, carrying in dish after dish on their shoulders. If this was Xoannon's idea of a 'light repast', she hated to think what a formal feast would entail.

One of the servants deposited a large platter on the table in front of Cai and, at the Prince's nod, whipped the dome-shaped silver cloche away. Curiously, Pretty leaned forward. It was a dish of finely-minced meat of some sort, cooked in a highly-spiced, orangey-red sauce.

“My chefs do not know of these 'tacos' you have asked for,” the Prince said, inclining his head imperiously towards Cai. “But I think you will find these braised gizzards of swan to your satisfaction.”

[Cai Dorough]

Cai followed along without complaint as the Prince and his flunkies guided them through the palace. Pretty towed nearby without stabbing guards or playing origami with their intestines, but Cai did not feign to think ideas along those very lines were just then flitting through the Word Lady's imagination. He felt confident in that fact because thats what he was thinking too and she wouldn't be that far off. A fact that made him smirk as one of the men caught Cai's eye with a half defiant, half terrified glance and received a knowing wink from the mercenary in turn.

Xena led them into a hall with spectacular tables that spanned the length of the display, various tapestries adorning the parallel sets of columns and mosaics of precious jewels swirling across the angled ceiling as if a rainbow had shattered and reformed into its own constellation before being frozen in time. The prince dismissed a few women from the table to allow space for Cai to take the seat to his right and Pretty to the right of Cai.

One of the servants deposited a large platter on the table in front of Cai and, at the Prince's nod, whipped the dome-shaped silver cloche away. Curiously, Pretty leaned forward. It was a dish of finely-minced meat of some sort, cooked in a highly-spiced, orangey-red sauce.

“My chefs do not know of these 'tacos' you have asked for,” the Prince said, inclining his head imperiously towards Cai. “But I think you will find these braised gizzards of swan to your satisfaction.”

Cai eyed the greyish orange meat cubes with an arched eyebrow, poking at it with the tip of a knife before spearing one piece to hold up and sniff once. A sticky, pale aroma wafted up from the plate, stinging his nostrils. It smelled heavy and thick. Cai leaned over toward Pretty and asked in a whisper, "Dude, what the hell are gizzards?"

[Pretty Poison]

Cai leaned over toward Pretty and asked in a whisper, "Dude, what the hell are gizzards?"

The Word Lady had never seen anything like the strange orange meat before and she found herself wrinkling her nose against the pungent aroma wafting from the dish. Why anyone would want to eat such a thing, she couldn't even begin to imagine. However, when Cai asked his question, she obligingly searched through her internal lexicon to find the answer he needed.

“The gizzard, also referred to as the ventriculus, gastric mill, and gigerium, is an organ found in the digestive tract of some animals,” she recited succinctly. “Including dinosaurs, birds, pterosaurs, crocodiles and alligators, earthworms, some gastropods, some fish and some crustaceans. It is a specialized stomach constructed of thick muscular walls, and is used for grinding up food, often aided by particles of stone or grit. In certain insects and molluscs, the gizzard features chitinous plates or teeth.”

The more she spoke, however, the more confused she became. She tilted her head curiously towards Cai. “Is it common for matter creatures to eat the stomachs of other matter creatures?”

The Prince seemed to think he was doing Cai an enormous favour by presenting him with this food. And the fleshlings of this universe called her insane!

However, even as she spoke, a movement caught her eye. One of the servers, carrying an empty round silver tray, quietly heading towards the door. There was something about the man's body language that set her senses screaming a warning. Something furtive in his walk, as if he was only just restraining himself from running just as fast as he could.

In sudden understanding, her eyes flicked back to the Prince, who was raising a newly-filled golden goblet to his lips, brimming with dark red wine. A heartbeat later, and the ornate cup was flying through the air, neatly pierced by a bullet from her gun. It smashed into a nearby wall, wine splashing luridly across the white plaster like a blood stain. The paintwork sizzled and bubbled, as though it had been hit by acid. Xoannon was left staring at his empty hand in utter shock.

Pretty vanished from her seat at the table and reappeared standing in the doorway behind them, her gun levelled threateningly at the terrified serving man.

“Going somewhere?”

[Cai Dorough]

Cai's faced blanched more by the second as Pretty described the disgusting animal discard sitting on his plate. It sounded as terrible as it looked. And smelled. Yet everyone else was just popping the gooey cubes down their throats like tic-tacs. Suddenly a very loud pop! blasted in his ears, sending Cai tumbling backward in his seat from the startle. It was not easy to catch the mercenary off guard, quick as he was, acute as his senses were. However, Pretty's unnatural speed was instant. The gun fire rang in his ears as he hit the floor and quickly rolled backward into a low crouch, gun out in one fluid motion, if a bit ungraceful considering his startled crash to the floor. Pretty did her teleport thing and reappeared in a doorway off the main hall, blocking a man from leaving, her gun in his face.

The mercenary's trained eyes quickly took in the scene, in just a few short seconds noting the trajectory of Pretty's bullet, the Prince staring blankly at his now empty hand, the missing golden goblet on the floor beside the wall with its contents eating away at the stone, and the hole in the wall above the goblet marking the spot where the bullet had landed. The man at Pretty's gun point stared stoically down the barrel, a silver tray under one arm.

"What is the meaning of this, Captain?" called the Prince, standing up from his seat and turning around furiously to face Cai. "I will not tolerate this treasonous act!" He turned to see Pretty blocking the would-be assassin from leaving. "Guards, take that man away!"

Cai stood up and holstered his gun, nodding for Pretty to let the man be taken by the squad of guards. "Calm your crown down, Xena. If you're gonna let yourself get all flustered and upset over every cup of acid or a bullet flying a half inch from your face, how will you expect to make it through the Acid and Bullet singles mixer? Besides, chicks dig gun powder. Ask Pretty."